Love in the Ice
by Ryu Reikai-Akuma
Summary: Too little, too late. A spin off from a1y puff's Frozen in Time. Perfect Pair. Oneshot. Kleenex.


A/N: this comes up during lengthy lunch date several months ago over noodles and nasigoreng XDD a1y_puff made the spin off version title Frozen in Time and lafuego from LJ is our wonderful tortured beta. Enjoy... I guess...

Disclaimer: PoT boys aren't mine. Song isn't mine. Even the title belongs to DBSK's song. Yeah, I'm that unoriginal so what makes you think I'll make any money from this?

**Love in the Ice**

**

* * *

**_**If these dull emotions could just  
Disappear sooner without a word  
It would have been easier**_

_**When I gazed at you  
I saw myself trembling in your eyes  
I opened my mouth as though I had a blank expression

* * *

**_

Biting chills seeped into his body, robbing it of warmth in deadly slowness. Numbness began to spread on his limbs and he desperately fought it away. Stabbing pain centered on his leg but he ignored it. Exhaustion made his eyelids heavy but he pushed the endless waves of sleepiness away with waning power. Desperation began to lightly grip his heart, stealing the strength and determination he needed… _they_ needed. He couldn't give up. He couldn't cease his struggle. He _mustn't_ cease his struggle. He mustn't give up.

As he gazed into the other's glazed blue eyes, the light cloud of pained exhalation, the unnatural paleness of complexion, the blood soaking torn clothes and colored the cold whiteness red, a pain worse than any physical injury crushed his heart and he nearly broke down. His lips trembled, throat tightened, heart clenched, eyes stung from unshed tears; tears of pain, tears of guilt, tears of compassion. But he bit them back for he knew he was the only anchor of strength they had though inside the pain kept intensifying, gripping his heart tighter and tighter and tighter until he felt nothing but a throbbing hollow in his soul.

"Tezuka…" he heard his name whispered. Frozen lips curled into a gentle but pained smile. Tezuka bit his lip. Never in his life had he hated himself, despised himself, loathed himself more than this moment. It was his fault. It was all his fault. He had made a mistake and Fuji had paid for it. He closed his eyes when cold fingers slowly touched his cheek, feeling the hurt only grow worse at the tenderness. He should've hated Tezuka. He should hate him… But he wouldn't. Tezuka knew he wouldn't.

"It's all right. It's all right."

Tezuka opened his mouth to deny, frowning in self hatred. But the loving patience in the knowing blue eyes stopped him so he closed his mouth again, lowered his head and shook it. Adamantly he took the blame because he knew that it was the least he could do for them, for him. Because he was powerless, he was a coward, he was weak, he was to blame. He was the one who made the grave mistake that Fuji had to pay for. Why was Fuji always the one who pay? Why was he always the one to take all the pain? Why couldn't Tezuka ever take away the hurt? Why did he always let Fuji suffer in agony alone?

"It's all right. It's going to be all right."

_But it's not true, Fuji. It's not all right. It was not going to be all right._

_**

* * *

We went on our separate paths  
At that crossroad  
It pains me so much that  
We may never meet again**_

_**Gathering emotions which are lacking  
Things that were warmed just a while ago have grown cold  
I couldn't believe something like that  
Just how long am I going to hold on to the same words?  
How long am I going to hold on…

* * *

**_

__Tezuka could plainly see Fuji's heart break before him, the unshed tears spoke through the silence between them. The usually calming smile lacked the tenderness; it had been taken by sorrow. This time, instead of comforting warmth, Tezuka sensed only coldness and vulnerability. He wanted to pull Fuji into his embrace to share the strength he didn't possess but Fuji's hurtful smile stopped him. Fuji wasn't reaching out for him, he bore everything alone, the pain, the grief, the past. He didn't need Tezuka to reach out for him. He could make it on his own as he always did, as today when Tezuka decided to abandon what they could share. The sad smile remained as Fuji turned his back on him and began to walk away.

He should've let him go. He shouldn't have tired to stop him. They knew this was coming. They knew what they had wasn't meant to be. They knew the day would come when they must take their own paths and tread a new life away from each other. There was too much suspicion, too much hatred, too much responsibility, too much uncertainty, too much pain. They thought they would be ready to leave the sweet three years behind and face the bitter tomorrow… But the thought of being separated was unbearable, the sting turned into an agonizing throb. He knew if and when the day came he would cease to live. He knew a part of his soul would die with Fuji's departure. He knew he couldn't make it without Fuji. He needed the other to stay.

So Tezuka reached out and pulled Fuji back. His heart clenched painfully in his chest when Fuji refused to turn back and face him. He knew it was his fault, he knew he should be blamed, but he couldn't help but wish for forgiveness, for another chance, for one last chance. Tezuka opened his mouth, ready to beg him to stay, to share his future with him, to risk more pain with him. But that would be too selfish, that would be too inconsiderate and he couldn't hold Fuji back from what he could be, from the happiness waiting from him, the happiness not meant to be shared with him… Tezuka knew that Fuji could easily see through his lies, the wound, the fragility that he tried to cover up and he let go because he wanted everything to seem like the way they were for the very last time. Yes, this would be the last time. He would abandon all hope for a forbidden dream to come true after this. He would try to move forward on his own. He would try to survive even though he knew he wouldn't be completely alive. But that was the price of responsibility, that was the price of the choice he made. "Come with me to the mountain," Tezuka said, offered, begged.

The hesitation only lasted a second before being replaced by sad understanding. Fuji nodded in agreement. Tezuka felt his heart lurch in his chest in agonizing relief, knowing that it would be goodbye, knowing that nothing would be all right.

The moment they fought to walk through the blizzard, when they fell into the deep deadly trap of the mountain, when he heard the pained cry, when he held the frail body trembling from pain, when he felt blood warm his clothes, Tezuka wished Fuji had said no. He wished the other had refused. He wished he had said that there's no use for it. He wished he had said that he wanted no more pain, the only thing Tezuka seemed to offer. He wished they just walked away from each other. He wished he had been able to let Fuji go and let him have the future he robbed him of. He wished he could turn back the time. He wished Fuji hadn't been so kind. He wished Fuji hated him. He kept wishing futilely…

"It's all right. It's going to be all right."

He wished he could believe in Fuji but he couldn't. He knew it's not going to be all right.

_**

* * *

When I continue to gaze at you  
The seasons changed in your eyes  
My new light which I've not known before**_

_**We will walk our separate paths  
Now, at that crossroad  
I can never look back again  
My feelings are too overwhelming

* * *

**_

Tezuka tightened his grip on Fuji's hand when the brunette's breath grew shallower and shorter. A frown formed on smooth forehead as he struggled to inhale and exhale the bitter cold air. Tezuka could sense him slowly slipping into unawareness. Panic, fear, grief twisted his heart and he began to tremble, the feigned power leaving him, stripping him bare and vulnerable.

"Stay with me. Stay with me. Fuji, stay with me, please." He begged with shaky rough voice that betrayed his emotions ever further. He wanted to say the lies Fuji said but it tasted bitter on his tongue because he knew that they knew it was untrue. Tezuka leaned forward, burdened by the heavy weight of guilt and sorrow, the results of the decisions he made. "Stay with me. Please stay with me. I can't… I can't…"

The unsaid truth he had kept to himself for too many years clenched its claws onto his bleeding heart, tears stung his eyes and he cursed his weakness once more. What drove him to think that Fuji deserved someone like him? What drove him to make such selfish request? What drove him to steal Fuji's future and happiness away? He didn't deserve this, didn't deserve the affectionate tenderness in Fuji's eyes, the gentle touch of cold fingertips, the genuine smile on pale lips… He didn't deserve this…

"Tezuka…" Fuji whispered his name with his tiny melodious voice. "Tezuka… I'm sorry…. So sorry…"

Tezuka shook his head, tears beginning to run down his face now. It was his line to say. He was the one who was supposed to apologize. He was the one who's supposed to be blamed. He was the one not supposed to be forgiven. Frozen tears were wiped away even as lips slackened slightly with effort to hold back pain. Tezuka bit his lip and tried to refuse the kindness but his voice failed him. It, too, had been robbed by anguish that pierced his soul deeper and deeper.

"… just want you to know… that…." Fuji struggled to say, stopped to gasp for air that seemed to elude him. He still smiled, cloudy eyes boring into Tezuka's teary ones. In there Tezuka saw nothing less than compassion and affection, saw nothing short of understanding, saw everything that he sought for so many years, saw everything that he coveted but didn't dare to reach for. Another sharp gasp, accompanied by a wince of pain, and Fuji smiled again through tears that started to spill, affectionate and forgiving. "… Love you… I love you…I love you…"

And Tezuka's tears spilled again. He held Fuji's hand and rained kisses upon kisses onto his face and wiped away his tears to give him warmth that the snow stole again far too soon. He wanted to confess the truth but sorrow had taken his voice away. Tezuka sobbed as he buried his face into chilly hand. He didn't deserve this… didn't deserve this… didn't deserve this…

"So it's all right… everything will be all right…"

Tezuka felt light caresses on his skin and his hair as breathing grew sharper and shorter and shorter and shorter until it ceased to be. The grip slackened, the hand fell away, the lithe body went limp, the eyes peered into darkness dully, the smile disappeared never to return. The dream came to an end. Tezuka buried his face in Fuji's unmoving chest, listening to the silence his tears could not fill. Silent tears streaming down his face turned into sobs into agonized cries…

Fuji was gone. It was all his fault. And nothing would be all right.

_**

* * *

You embrace me in the night that is about to disappear  
Entangling me with your body which has grown cold  
I feel that something is lacking  
Just how long have I been holding on to  
Lies and sighs to the point of falling apart?**_

_**Gathering emotions which are lacking  
Things that were warmed just a while ago have grown cold  
I couldn't believe something like this  
Just how long am I going to hold on to the same words?  
How long am I going to hold on…

* * *

**_

The night seemed to be endless. Tezuka had lost track of time, only knew nothing but darkness that began to swallow him whole. He pulled Fuji's body close to his, inhaling the faint scent, sharing what remained of his own warmth. His tattered clothing had failed its purpose of keeping body heat long ago and numbness and sleepiness washed over him in endless tides.

Tezuka swallowed a painful lump in his throat. He brushed away snow from Fuji's hair and gazed into the latter's peaceful expression: like that of the fallen angel that he was. His tears had dried now, he couldn't cry anymore though the pain in his heart only grew worse at each second that passed. The words of apology, of love, of desperation, of selfishness could not make it past his lips. In his mind he heard the final words over and over again and he wished he could believe in them. The memory of the courageous confession twisted his heart painfully. He wanted to curse his cowardice, selfishness, stupidity but was too exhausted to even think of it. The guilt ate at him slowly and surely until there was little room for anything else but dark despair.

The starless sky betrayed no sign of hope but Tezuka found himself not really caring. What would happen if he were rescued? What would happen if he returned to the life he used to have? What kind of life would he live? A part of him had died here, in this mountain, gone forever as Fuji was, and nothing would ever be all right. The thought brought a tight clenching to his heart and he looked down upon Fuji's serene face.

No, Fuji, nothing would be all right. But he didn't care. He didn't care at all. Because everything he had right now, right here, was everything he had always wanted, needed and he couldn't wish for it to be any other way. Here was where he belonged. Here was where he was supposed to be. With Fuji, forever.

A small smile curled his lips. He forced his numb limbs to bring Fuji closer to him. Fuji's unchanging peaceful face brought a little ease to his heart. Fuji wouldn't have approved but he needed this and here, now, when it was far too late, he finally gained enough courage to choose the right thing for him. With Fuji was where he belonged. With Fuji was where he would stay.

Tezuka took a deep breath, letting chill and fatigue take over his body at very long last. The fading sight of Fuji's face accompanied him until all turned to nothing. With a tiny contended sigh and a smile he allowed darkness to embrace him.

He knew everything would be all right.

OWARI

A/N: *deep sigh* well, at least if one of you decide to kill me, I don't have to do assignments anymore... Btw me and Aiy have this little competition going on on who makes more people cry so please do tell if this do make you cry, ne ^^ Link for the song is in my LJ page as usual. Comment is loving... or hating, perhaps ^__^;;


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